Communication

Communication

Good communication is the bedrock of every healthy relationship, whether at home, at work or elsewhere.

Being able to talk openly and honestly with the people in your life allows you to share, learn, respond, and forge lasting bonds. This is a vital part of any relationship, including those with friends and family, but it can be particularly important in romantic relationships.

CATEGORY: Life & Coping Skills

SOURCES: APS | verywellmind.com | BMD

Number: #9

 

Chimpanzee With His Fingers In His Ears
Two Penguins Talking To Each Other Square
Two Bulldogs Sitting Back To Back
Macaw Birds Talking

An Australian Bureau of Statistics’ National Study of Mental Health and Wellbeing released in 2023, of 5,500 people aged 16 to 85 years old during 2020-2021, showed that more than two in five Australians experience a mental health issue in their lifetime and that in 2020–21 more than 3.4 million Australians sought help from a health care professional for their mental health.

The study is published at https://abs.gov.au/statistics/health/mental-health/national-study-mental-health-and-wellbeing/2020-21

Being a good communicator means you will be able to more easily ask for your needs to be met, clarify others’ needs, resolve and manage conflict or disagreements, and share your thoughts and feelings with others, show support to others and ask for support for yourself. These things matter in all the relationships in your life, from partners to friends to teammates in sports teams, and colleagues and bosses at work.

According to Dr. John Gottman, a clinical psychologist and founder of the Gottman Institute, couples’ communication patterns can often predict how successful a relationship will be. It would make sense that this would likely extrapolate to the non-partner relationships in our lives too, and it certainly wouldn’t hurt. Good communication can help enhance your relationships with others in a variety of ways:

It can minimise rumination: Instead of stewing over negative feelings, good communication allows people to discuss their concerns and resolve them in a more positive, effective way.

It fosters intimacy: Forming a close emotional connection with another person requires a mutual give-and-take when it comes to sharing things about yourself and listening to the other person. This reciprocal self-disclosure means talking about your experiences, beliefs, values, opinions, and expectations. In order to do this, you both need to possess communication skills that foster this connection and allow it to grow and deepen with time.

It reduces and resolves conflict: Every relationship is bound to experience conflict from time to time. When you are able to talk about your problems in an open and honest way, however, you can resolve arguments and disagreements more readily. Rather than getting caught up in a cycle of misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and emotional strife, you can address your problems and take steps to improve your relationship.

 

While good communication alone doesn’t definitively predict how happy you’ll be in your relationships, and other things – including how much interaction a couple has, the personality characteristics of each partner, and stress – all play a part in determining how satisfied people feel in their relationship, there is plenty of research indicating that good communication skills enhance relationships and well-being in a number of ways.

Effective communication is one way to foster a positive, supportive relationship with your partner, friends and others.

When you actively listen and respond to another person (and they do the same for you), both of you are more likely to feel valued and cared for.

Ultimately, feeling more valued, positive, and happy in your relationships can have a beneficial impact on your overall well-being.

Characteristics

 

First, it is important to think about what we mean by communication. On the surface, it involves the words that people use to convey information to one another. But it can also involve other ways of transmitting information including tone of voice, body language, and other forms of nonverbal communication. In many cases, what you don’t say can mean just as much if not more than what you do say.

 

In order to better understand good communication, it will be useful to give some examples of poor communication, which can cause a lot of distress and/or tension.

 

Some examples of poor communication are when one or both people:

  • Has a demanding or intrusive communication style and the other partner withdraws or refuses to communicate in response.
  • Tries to manipulate the other with negative emotions, such as anger and sadness.
  • Personally criticises other people, such as calling them ‘lazy’, rather than explaining that it is their behaviour that they dislike.
  • Fails to show concern for or understanding of the other by not physically or emotionally responding to people.

 

Characteristics of good communication include:

Active listening: Active listening involves being engaged in the conversation, listening attentively, not interrupting, and reflecting back on what people have said. It also involves asking for clarification when needed and avoiding making judgments.

Not personalising issues: When communicating in relationships, people who are good at it avoid personalising their partner’s actions. Instead, they focus on the situation and how things can be resolved. Focus on the behaviour, not the person.

Using “I” statements: I-statements can be helpful in interpersonal conflicts. Instead of saying, “You never clean up after yourself,” try using an I-statement like, “I feel uncomfortable when there is clutter accumulating around the house.”

Kindness: Kindness is important because it makes people feel cared for and understood. If you are looking for a change in the other person’s behaviour, it helps to mention and acknowledge the positive things about the situation (or the relationship) too, not only the negative. Encouragement is motivating, criticism is not.

Being present: When talking with your partner, it is important to be fully present in the moment. Getting distracted by outside sources–including electronic distractions such as your phone–can lead to a lack of communication and a poor connection.

Showing acceptance: Healthy communication is about accepting and validating the other person, even if you might not agree with them. When you communicate well with your partner, you’re able to recognize that people have a right to feel their feelings even if those emotions and reactions are different from your own.

 

Communicating well in relationships involves actively listening, avoiding judgments, and practicing kindness instead of trying to win the argument.

Diagnosis

Some signs that your relationship (with anyone, not just a partner) is being negatively affected by communication problems include:

 

  • Assuming that you know what the other person thinks or feels
  • Constantly criticising one another
  • Engaging in passive-aggressive behaviours
  • Feeling like you can’t really talk to them
  • Getting defensive when they try to talk to you
  • Giving each other the silent treatment
  • Having the same arguments over and over without reaching a resolution
  • Refusing to compromise or listen to the other person’s perspective
  • Stonewalling (withdrawing) in order to avoid problems or conversations

 

It is also important to learn to recognise some of the more subtle signs of poor communication and these can include avoiding arguments for the sake of keeping the peace. If you never disagree, it means that one of you is hiding what you really feel or think just to avoid a fight. This deprives you both of experiencing authentic, open, and honest discussions.

 

Withholding issues can be another common communication problem in relationships. Instead of having tough conversations with your partner, you might avoid the issue and then end up dumping all of your anger, irritation, worries, or problems on the other people in your life.

 

For example, when you don’t tell your partner you are upset, you might end up ranting to your friend about your frustrations. While this might provide you with an emotional outlet, it doesn’t do anything to resolve the problem. And it might result in passive-aggressive actions designed to “punish” your partner for not being able to read your mind.

 

Criticisms, defensiveness, silence, and feeling misunderstood are just a few signs of communication problems in a relationship. And a lack of arguing isn’t necessarily a sign that you’re communicating well. Instead, it may mean you are holding back in order to avoid conflict.

Therapy | Treatment

 

Here are some things to consider when you want to improve your communication with others:

Consider Your Attachment Style

 

Think about how your attachment style might affect your communication patterns. Attachment styles are your characteristic patterns of behaviour in relationships. Your early attachment style, which emerges in childhood based on relationships with caregivers, can continue to affect how you behave and respond in adult romantic relationships.

 

If you have an insecure attachment style, you may be more likely to engage in communication patterns that can be seen as anxious or avoidant. Recognising how your attachment style affects how you interact with your partner (and how your partner’s style affects how they interact with you) can give you clues into what you might need to work on.

If you or your partner have an insecure attachment style, it can have an impact on how you communicate and interact with your partner. Knowing your style and being aware of how it may manifest as anxious or avoidant behaviour can help you find ways to overcome less effective communication patterns.

Be Fully Present

In order to make sure that both of you are listening and understanding, minimise distractions and focus on being fully present when you are communicating. This might involve setting aside time each day to really focus on one another and talk about the events of the day and any concerns you may have.

Limiting your device use at certain times of day, such as during meals or at bedtime, can be a great way to focus on your partner without having your attention pulled in different directions.

Use “I” Statements

Sometimes the way that you talk to each other can play a major role in communication problems. If you are both focusing on arguing facts without talking about feelings, arguments can quickly turn into debates over who is “right” or who gets the last word.
“I” statements are focused on what you are feeling instead of your partner’s behaviour. For example, instead of saying “You are never on time,” you might say “I get worried when you don’t arrive on time.”

Using this type of statement can help conversations seem less accusatory or blaming and instead help you and your partner focus on the emotions behind some of the issues you are concerned about.

Avoid Negative Communication Patterns

When you are tempted to engage in behaviour like ignoring your partner, using passive-aggressive actions, or yelling, consider how your actions will negatively affect your relationship. It isn’t always easy to change these patterns, since many of them formed in childhood, but becoming more aware of them can help you start to replace these destructive behaviours with healthier, more positive habits.

Focus on Your Relationship

While good communication is important, research suggests that it is just one of many factors that impact the success, duration, and satisfaction in relationships. In fact, research seems to suggest that your satisfaction with your relationship might predict how well you and your partner communicate. The more satisfied people are in their relationship, the more likely they are to openly talk about their thoughts, feelings, concerns, and problems with one another. If you want to improve your communication, focusing on improving your relationship overall can play an important role.

Therapy

There are many steps you can take to improve the communication in your relationship on your own, but there may be times that you feel like professional help might be needed. Couples therapy can be a great way to address communication problems that might be holding your relationship back.

 

A therapist can help identify unhelpful communication patterns, develop new coping techniques, and practice talking to one another in more effective ways. They can also address any underlying resentments or other mental health issues that might be having a detrimental impact on your relationship.